In the old, old days, women stayed at home with their family, and their mother and father, until they were married. Men did too. They helped with the farm, the mill, the animals, the family business - whatever it may have been - and they helped out with the family home and family members. Elderly were cared for, children were cared for, single men and women had a place in their family and their church, their community and their society. And it was okay.

A long time ago, and probably it happened a lot before it was noticed on a larger scale, some men and women left home without being married and starting their own family. They left for work in the factories or the mines or cities, or they left to go to war or to do mission work. Some went to places of higher learning and became professors, doctors and lawyers. Elderly parents or those who couldn't care for themselves were cared for by other family members or someone in the community. Or an asylum of some kind. Sometimes the ones who left would send financial support. Sometimes they would start a whole new family in a new place, without an extended family nearby. And it was okay.

Some young men and women stayed at home though, and carried on the family tradition of making families who stayed or travelled together. And that was okay too.

Not so long ago, in some places, it was expected and often demanded that all children, upon reaching a certain age, were supposed to move out of their family home, whether they were planning to start a family of their own or not. Usually, it was preferred that they not be planning a family, but rather go off on their own. Whether it was for school or career, warfare or mission work, parents felt pride if their offspring went off on their own. Offspring seldom stayed near the parents or grandparents, and as time went on, there were so many parents and grandparents for one child to keep track of, all living in different places, it was best to merely maintain friendships. Sometimes the extended family is financially cared for, or visited. And, maybe, it is still okay. Sort of.

Family is a relative term these days. No pun intended. A travelling sports team. A group of workers from one office. A shelter full of runaways. A group of friends who have at least one thing in common.

I think a lot of things have changed that make it hard on everyone. We can't go back. "It is what it is" they say.

As an old fashioned person, I find it kind of sad.

Old Fashioned Names

When you were born, we named you Heather. Your father thought it was a beautiful name. It was the name of the prettiest girl in his high school. I sometimes told others that last fact with a chuckle.  Not to belittle the name. It was just a cute story. I named you Elizabeth to, because that name was also beautiful to me. You have a beautiful name, which we chose with love. You were a beautiful baby, and a lovely child. Your smile glowed and you were always cute. Sweet. Pretty. And you grew to be beautiful.

Of course, all those adjectives and the names themselves are now... old fashioned?  They are attributed to ladies, young and old. Not usually masculine in any sense. These days, though, feminine and masculine names and descriptors are out of date. We, in the modern West, are not to be male or female, masculine or feminine, boy or girl. Genderless and grey. Romantic and/or sexual with anyone who is human. Fluid. Colour and origin can't be changed, so everyone must be accepted as human, and allowed and expected to be proud of who they are.

But these days, gender, which also can't be changed, and should also have been respected ... can be medically, chemically, psychologically changed, misinterpreted, flipped back and forth from day to day, from minute to minute.

Names and adjectives which describe "red and yellow, black and white" have become terms of derision, used within one group to build up one another and not allowed to be used by "the others" - those who are not "our people".  Regardless of the fact that we are one people. One blood. We are not to differentiate between shades of skin colour when it comes to work, religion, marriage and family, education, all while remembering that some social classes may have years and years of baggage pulling them down because people in the past didn't regard all shades of brown as equal people, notwithstanding words in some nation's credo.

Religious people are told to co-exist. And they do. Look at the rise of cross cultural weddings, neighborhoods, schools. If something happens to separate those of different ideologies, many people are quick to jump in and point out that it's wrong to put down or elevate one human above another because of a name or title that may be religious, cultural or political.

Sometimes old fashioned words divide and belittle humans. Prejudice and fear. Ignorance. Modernity and education seek to correct the old ways that hurt other humans and put walls between people. So new words are taken up and promoted: Indigenous. Autistic. Differently abled.

But men and women? Instead of modernity and education promoting the equal treatment of men and women, modernity has decided to eliminate male and female. To say that one is "pan-" or "fluid" is to say that gender is a societal construct, putting biological and chemical differences which can be scientifically described away. Leaving behind the idea that you can be romantically or

I Am Old

I feel old. My thoughts are old. I feel sick. And tired.

And my daughter moved out yesterday.

Not my older daughter. She's 21years old and getting married in August, so I have time to plan, to pack her things with her, to get used to the idea that it's going to be a lot quieter around here, to notice all the things that she does now that will leave a hole when she's gone and to prepare for that feeling. We will celebrate her moving out with parties and a grand celebration of a small wedding with friends and family at the church's building where her father and her grandmother grew up. Sunflowers and lace. And joy. And a calm assurance.

I know I'll hear from her after the honeymoon, and she'll share stories of the fun, and the trouble, they have making their new house a home. A family.

My younger daughter left yesterday. She packed her backpack for school with more things than usual, and I asked her about it. She said it was books for school. She's in art, photography and drama. I asked her, "what books?" She said something about a project for photography class. Her dad drove her to school and dropped her off. I started off my day with our littlest girl's home school studies.

Then we got a jpeg of a letter typed out to us. She was saying goodbye in the letter. Our house was toxic and she needed someplace safe and healthy. She wasn't who she had pretended to be with us.

She lied to us for years.

I admit, I'm stupid sometimes. I gave her so many chances to tell me. I asked her straight out sometimes, and she straight up lied to me. I knew she was lying. I nudged and waited, and she wouldn't come out and just tell me what she was thinking. So she lied and hid and stayed on her phone texting and watching and never sharing.

And then a jpeg of a typed letter texted to us while she was at school, saying goodbye. Saying she was not coming home. Saying she was going to be legally changing her name. Signing the letter with the words, "your child," and her name with the parenthetical "for now" attached.

And for over 24 hours now we've all gone through the "steps" of grieving. Shock. Anger. Denial. Fear. Sadness. A quiet passes through and is suddenly torn apart when I wash HER cup. Her little sister asks again if she's coming back.


I guess she and the counselors at school decided that it was better this way. She apologized that it "had" to be this way.




Every paragraph break here is a cry break. I keep thinking it's like when my Dad passed away, only worse. I knew he was leaving. I knew he was right with God.






I'm going to be 51 years old tomorrow.  And I feel so old.