"Turning Hearts Toward Home"

Have you heard of James Dobson?

He's somehow gotten into our world a little bit, don't you think? My Mom read "the strong willed child" - about me! - And the ones about raising boys and discipline about my darling little brother. Way back in the 70s and 80s. I know a lot of people, and church families, have one or two of his books in their library somewhere.

The news reported that Mr. Dobson stepped down from his position at the helm of the huge "Focus on the Family" organization in the US. You might be interested to hear his Joshua-type farewell speech to the group. Doesn't sound as if he's really "retiring" from all work, so I won't word it that way. He's one of those "sweet old guys".

Read or listen at this link: Focus on the Family

Honour thy father . . . - Ephesians 6:2

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. - Mark Twain One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. - Proverb Be kind to thy father, for when thou were young, Who loved thee so fondly as he? He caught the first accents that fell from thy tongue, And joined in thy innocent glee. - Margaret Courtney Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck. - Proverb 1:8-9 It's not an easy thing to be a father here on earth, setting up the idea of what a father is to those who will one day call God their Father in heaven. There are scores of poems written to honour mothers; quotes, songs, pictures and cards. As if we don't acknowledge all the time the need that we all have for a mother. But where are the beautiful poems for fathers? Praise is given to soldiers, to teachers and professors, to firemen and policemen, to doctors, philosophers and explorers, to heroes of the old west... . But where is the praise for the man who teaches his children respect, love, and praise, and holds these to be his most important tasks? Where are the books about the men who gave up the six figure salaries because they realized that it was more important to be there for their family, and taught them to appreciate the love of God and of others first of all? Where are the songs for Dear Old Dad that actually praise his decision making and respect his authority in the home? That acknowledge the heavy responsibilities of being a father, and also expound on the rewards? Where are the poems and lists of the qualities of a great man? We overlook the faults of the mother and hold her to be an angel, but ridicule and belittle Dad because he forgets to put down the toilet seat, or can't show teary emotions. Lift up your heads, oh, Dads! Stand tall and strong, like God made you to be! Don't cower and cringe behind the woman who thinks she can "do it all" - because she really can't! So what if you aren't perfect - neither are the mothers who have all those lovely poems and posies given them every May. Perhaps there are not so many poems for you because as a strong tough non-emotional guy you don't think you need them. You do need our praise and respect. For God commands us both in the Old and New Testaments to honour thy father. I've decided I need to be telling my Husband and my Dad and my Father in Law how much I respect and need them, in things I say and do. And I respectfully remind you to do the same for the men in your life - even those who aren't fathers. They are men, made in the image of God, a little lower than the angels, and we need to show them respect, like fathers and brothers, Paul told Timothy. - LisaM God our Father, in your wisdom and love you made all things. Bless these men, that they may be strengthened as Christian fathers. Let the example of their faith and love shine forth. Grant that we, their sons and daughters, may honor them always with a spirit of profound respect. - found online

Christian Ladies and Gentlemen are Old Fashioned

A study of 1 Peter 3 (See below for my thoughts and study)

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For

"Whoever desires to love life
and see good days,
let him keep his tongue from evil
and his lips from speaking deceit;
let him turn away from evil and do good;
let him seek peace and pursue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are open to their prayer.
But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

L'Angelus, by Jean-Francois Millet

I find it quite interesting that the things which make a lady, or a gentleman, are the things which signify a follower of the Way of Christ, according to these Bible words. Think of it:

"subject to your own husbands" - she knows her role is not man's role; men and women are different

"they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct" - she doesn't need to nag or preach to get her point across, but behaves respectfully and keeps her behavior above suspicion

"Do not let your adorning be external..." - she doesn't dress so as to attract attention to her physical self, whether boldly or immodestly in any way

"let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit"- she focuses on presenting her inner self; she is calm and prepared so as not to be rattled, or lose her cool in any situation; she is confident in her life and her beliefs and so does not need to have a loud, controlling spirit

"which in God’s sight is very precious" - Being an "old fashioned lady", you see, is precious in God's sight. It does not save her and bring her to heaven, but it is the outward showing of something that is already in her heart.

"For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves" - she looks to the old ways for her example

"Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way" - Like the ladies, the gentlemen of Christ are not harsh ogres, nor are they like egalitarian business partners, thinking of them as men. They think, and live their lives showing outwardly that which is in their hearts, as they treat their wives with respect.

"showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel" - he shows that he sees her value and her preciousness, treating her as a special creation that he does not want to "break", as a big, old rough man in a china shop might break a precious vase because of his unawareness

"they are heirs with you of the grace of life" - he doesn't look down on her service as servitude to him, but sees a spiritual oneness

"all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind" - Ladies and Gentlemen do not fight and argue but work together to find solutions that will benefit; they seek the good of others and not themselves only; they love others and treat them as dear family; they are not harsh and rude, but they refine their heart until it is tender and gentle; they are not proud and haughty as a "newly rich" person might ascribe to be, but rather bear their riches in Christ - the blessings, the grace, the love, the wisdom of God, the responsibilities - with meekness and humility, as a servant to all

"Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless" - their speech and behavior does not harm others just because harm has been done; they do not seek to slander others, but rather to encourage them, maybe even to lead them to a better way

"to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing" - Being "old fashioned" in speech and behavior is not what we were called to, was it? Then why does Peter point out that this lifestyle of blessing others is how or why we obtain blessing? It seems to me that this Godly lifestyle is exactly what God called us to. To live in such a way as to be a blessing to others - not merely to live for ourselves as the moderns might want to live.

One dear Lady pointed out to me that some of what I write about in this little blog is not really "old fashioned," but is "Godly living." This modern society may look at our old fashioned notions of femininity, service, meekness and humility and sneer, telling us that we will never get anything in this life living that way. But, oh, how much more we will get. And there was apparently a time, sometime in the "old" days, when many people, true Christian or not, saw the value of living this lifestyle of being a blessing by our manners, lifestyle, speech and behavior.

As David wrote to the Jewish nation, in Psalm 34:12-15,

What man is there who desires life
and loves many days, that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking deceit.
Turn away from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

I am seeking to be an "old fashioned lady", if these things are what it means. Not a frivolous "lady of leisure" as some women of old days wanted to be, but a true lady, by definition and spirit. And, apparently, by the design and will of God.

The Old Fashioned Father

What is an "old fashioned father"? Can you type it into your search engine and find a good answer? This became my quest: to find someone willing to tell us what the great men of old did to become good fathers. Or at least, if they were not good, what kind of fathers were they? (Now, I love Tevye, from "Fiddler on the Roof. " Maybe he's not the perfect father, but he was a little old fashioned. No?)

The Old Fashioned Fathers

I suppose not everyone can sit down and just read Emily Post's (1873–1960) writings on Etiquette, from 1922. But she does have a few things to say about the gentlemanly behaviour of fathers. Here, from Chapter XXXVI : Every-Day Manners at Home:

No child will ever accept a maxim that is preached but not followed by the preacher. It is a waste of breath for the father to order his sons to keep their temper, to behave like gentlemen, or to be good sportsmen, if he does or is himself none of these things.
. . .

Any number of busy men scarcely know their children at all, and have not even stopped to realize that they seldom or never talk to them, never exert themselves to be sympathetic with them, or in the slightest degree to influence them. To growl “mornin’,” or “Don’t, Johnny,” or “Be quiet, Alice!” is very, very far from being “an influence” on your children’s morals, minds or manners.

HOME EDUCATION
A Supreme Court Justice whose education had been cut short in his youth by the Civil War, when asked how, under the circumstances, his scholastic attainments had been acquired, answered: “My father believed it was the duty of every gentleman to bequeath the wealth of his intellect, no less than that of his pocket, to his children. Wealth might be acquired by ‘luck,’ but proper cultivation was the birthright of every child born of cultivated parents. We learned Latin and Greek by having him talk and read them to us. He wrote doggerel rhymes of history which took the place of Mother Goose. He also told us ‘bed-time stories’ of history, and read classics to us after supper. When there was company, we were brought down from the nursery so that we might profit by the conversation of our betters.”

Old Fashioned Fathers Today

If I were to sum up the manners lesson above and what I think of as a true gentleman into what a modern "old fashioned father" should be, I suppose I would say that he is to be above reproach, the husband of one wife, temperate, prudent, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not addicted to wine or pugnacious, but gentle, peaceable, free from the love of money. He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity. Wait, that sounds like a listing for an older man who desires to be an overseer in the church. Well, it sounds like a great father too.

Some people think that trying to follow those above virtues would be difficult. Okay, don't read them as if they're in the Bible, but just as some good qualifications to be a good Dad. Look up the word "Fatherhood" on your search engine, and you'll find a lot of information that will help you to find an ideal father. I can't vouch for all the content at the following sites, but try:

The National Center for Fathering, at Fathers.com
Fathers for Life
The Father's Network
The National Fatherhood Initiative, at fatherhood.org
The Fatherhood Foundation, at fatherhood.org.au

It seems to me that there is an awareness of the longing and need for valiant fathers to come to our rescue, and protect our homes and families. It sounds a little old-fashioned. But of course, I like that.

Let Boys Be Boys

I read an interesting article, 'Stop feminising our schools - our boys are suffering', by Jill Parkin, in the Daily Mail. In this article, the author points out the problems in our "enlightened" Western world relating to the sameness and difference between boys and girls. It seems so obvious to those of us who were raised knowing that boys are boys and girls are girls, and even if our eternal souls are sexless, there certainly is something different about the makeup of male and female humans, physically and mentally.

The simple truth is that by the time our boys have done 12 or even 14 years in the feminised environment of today's schools, they all ask: "What's the point?"

If boys are not getting into university, or not applying in the first place, it's because they've been turned off learning. They've been given a message that it's not for them.

And that's a tragedy for all of us. For I don't want my daughters growing up in a society full of alienated young men and I don't want to live in a society which suffocates all the good aspects of masculinity. Yet that's exactly what is happening in our schools.

Now, she doesn't give any "hard evidence" or documented statistics, but let's say that the author does speak from authority: she makes some pretty good arguments. Read on...

What boys are made of is this: tremendous data banks that can recall years of FA Cup ties in minute detail; lashings of testosterone that needs constant burning off on a sports field; and a hideous competitive streak almost as vital to them as lifeblood itself.

Harnessed in the right way, these raw ingredients can help boys make the most of their education. But far too many of today's schools try to stifle these instincts in favour of a feminised curriculum that benefits girls in almost every single regard.

The problems start in the classroom. Instead of the make-or-break sprint to the exam deadline, boys have to endure stultifying coursework.

This system of continuous assessment means that anyone who can call up Google on a computer can cut and paste answers from the internet at home. Girls, with their more patient approach to learning, thrive under such a system.

But where's the excitement and challenge for boys? Exams used to be a chance for them to show off and think on their feet. Not any more. No wonder all too many of them fall by the wayside, and are opting out of the chance to go to university.

To put it bluntly, boys now find education boring.

Well, she makes good observations, and good arguments. We should want our boys to be more like men. I can see from just watching my two boys and girls at home, the truth to the statements above. Sure, girls like a good challenge too, and some even excel at sciences and maths; I know boys who do prefer to stay around home and practice cooking and quiet living - but in the wide picture of boys and girls in general, can you see the definitions and expectations fitting a set of rules, of a sort?

For example, a disruptive boy in my son's primary class was impossible to deal with until the day his exasperated male teacher challenged him to an arm-wrestling match (yes, it's probably a sackable offence).

The boy lost, took it with good grace and became considerably better behaved. There was a male code at work that he recognised.

The same teacher also knew when playground fights were serious and when they should just be allowed to run their course. The women teachers, wanting a tidy playground, always stopped them.

Such macho attention-grabbing needs to be harnessed, not ignored. Boys need sports, they need exams, competition and recognition.

There are solutions. Men are men, and women are women. I agree with the author when she sums up by saying, "It ought to go without saying that boys and girls are different. But today's schools are denying this basic biology."

What can I, as a Mom do? I've got to remember that old episode of "Leave It To Beaver," where poor Mrs. Cleaver tried so hard to stop the boys' fighting, making them miserable, until wise old Mr. Cleaver stepped back in and showed her how her experiment failed. Boys must be left to fight and squabble and learn things in their own way - usually by getting hurt, burning something or taking something apart, much to the feminine logic's chagrin. But in the long run, they will be powerful men who enjoy a challenge, who stand up tall and lead our society.

How can we be ladies unless there are gentlemen? Gentlemen are not pansies who sit in the parlor and discuss poetry. Even if they are pacifists who abhor war, gentlemen still stand strong for what they believe in, and will fight to protect others - IF they have been taught that everyone is NOT actually created equal in all ways. Sometimes there is a winner, and sometimes there is a loser. That's the way life is, even for a lady.

Other articles by Jill Parkin on the Daily Mail

More on Being a Gentleman

"The true gentleman is one who has been fashioned after the highest models...his qualities depend not on fashion or manners but upon moral worth--not on personal possessions but upon personal qualities" - Happy Homes and the Hearts that Make Them, 1882

I have found another page on "How to be a Gentleman", from an actor's website, and focusing on the 1800's to the turn of the century. It is called "The Gentleman's Page," and contains internal links to pages concerning such subjects as General Behaviour, Deportment, Foreign Observations on, Ladies, Table Manners, Greetings, Calling, Visiting Cards, The Ballroom, The West, Vice and Humor, as well as pages on the attire of a gentleman of this period. The quotes used in the pages come from actual etiquette books of the 19th century. "This site is maintained by the Lively Arts History Association, a California non-profit corporation," - links provided on the page. A reading from the general behaviour page:

"The manners of the 19th Century, as expressed in etiquette books, do contain many elaborate social rituals which seem a bit quaint to us moderns, but the vast majority of their space is devoted to what would seem to be common sense rules like "Don't chew with your mouth open" or "Don't interrupt people" or "Don't be a lot of bother when you are a house guest". Two things may be drawn from this. First, there must have been a lot of people back then (just as there are today) who lacked "common courtesy" and needed to be told such things, and second, if you wish to portray a refined 19th Century American, just do the things your mama taught you, and you are more than half way there already. Perhaps the rest of this website will help you get you over the other half."

Photo from the designer's own page, at http://walternelson.com/
--------------------------
Here are a few gentlemen's websites and blogs that I found in my "research":
What is a Gentleman?, an 1872 article, reported in Victorian Station
The Gentleman's Blog, an older blog, not updated since Sept. 2006
Gentelman, definition and more from Answers.com
Gentleman, information from Wikipedia

Who Are the Real Gentlemen Today?

I realized after my last post, which included the young ladies and gentlemen who are attempting to live a pure and modest life, that I have not approached the subject of "gentlemen" in this lady's web log. So I will make amends, and point out that I fully believe that if there are ladies in this modern world, there must by necessity be gentlemen.

One only needs to take a quick glance around to notice that there are very few true gentlemen remaining among us. In times past, a gentleman was much appreciated and being gentlemanly was a noble thing.

Alas, things have changed in today's society; some for the better and some for the worse. One thing that particularly irks me is the lack of good taste and etiquette most guys are guilty of at the turn of this new millennium.

I'm not saying that men should act like robots and be slaves to etiquette, but some basic good manners will go a long way in helping you during your ascent to the top.

What I've done is compile a quick list of tips that will help turn even the most blundering fool into a proper gentleman. Follow these simple tips and I can assure you that people will perceive you as a man of good breeding and taste, hence a man they wish to associate and conduct business with. Not to mention the fact that the ladies are always quite pleased to meet a real gentleman.

So opens the article "Etiquette Of A Gentleman", By Michael Bucci, in AskMen.com. I would simply direct you to the article URL link, but AskMen.com is a magazine for men, not necessarily "gentlemen", and makes use of photos of women who are not ladies (i.e. immodestly dressed). Here's a rundown of the subjects he covers:

• Always be polite
• Do not curse
• Do not speak loudly
• Do not lose your temper
• Do not stare
• Do not interrupt
• Do not spit
• Respect your elders
• Do not laugh at others' mistakes
• Remove your hat indoors
• Wait for seating before eating

the basics of chivalry

In addition to the aforementioned rules, gentlemen (in training) should follow these additional rules when in the presence of a lady. Chivalry may be on life support, but it is not dead yet. Be one of the few to keep this flame burning for many years to come.

• Always open doors
• Put on her coat
• Help with her seat
• Give up your seat
• Stand at attention
• Give her your arm
• Ask if she needs anything

The Author concludes his listing: "Gentlemen, if I may call you that, these are the rules of etiquette you should observe in everyday life. Elevate yourself above the rabble and display the mannerisms of a true gentleman. The world will appreciate such a rarity and your career will most definitely benefit from your good manners and savoir-faire ."

If a gentleman, or his lady, or the mother to a future gentleman would like to view the AskMen.com article (knowing that the AskMen gallery thumbnail photos do show up on these pages as links), you may find it at Etiquette Of A Gentleman, and also at Part 2 By John Samuel, and Part 3, By Edward Chalmers.

I Love Young Old Fashioned People

Today, for your perusal and thought, I present a few websites that I have come across, which are by young people who seem to find those old fashioned ideals of modesty, purity, chivalry, and mutual respect for each other, to be attractive, and a life style that is worth living.

Go to The Rebelution to read the writings of and the responses by hundreds to two young men who realize that being real men and women in this modern society mean rebelling against the status quo, and usually in a polite and thoughtful way.

Also see Purity Girls, and it's brother site, Purity Guys, two websites devoted to the idea that Guys and Girls "committed to purity of heart, mind, and body...STILL EXIST."